Box of Chocolates
by daenaira
Summary: There's a new girl and I REALLY DON'T CARE. I've got bigger things to worry about, like the fact that I love Rosalie Hale and my dad's marrying her mom. I've got adoption papers to burn and a wedding to stop. Bella Swan's the LAST thing on mind. I think.
1. Box of Chocolates

**I know, I know. I've already got one story in the making, what's the point in working on another and causing myself even more stress?**

**I really haven't a clue. But the idea for this one wouldn't go away. Plus, I'm craving some EPOV.**

**And so: A Close Encounter of the Swan Kind.**

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><p><strong>"Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."<strong>

**Forrest Gump**

**Today, kids, you get to read about:**

The End of Life As I Know It

Hi, I'm Edward Cullen.

I'm going to tell you a story. It's a really bad story if you are me or if you are going through what I am going through. But if you aren't, then you'll probably love this story. You'll probably be rolling around laughing with tears streaming down your face.

Which my best friend Jasper Hale is doing right now.

"You are so FUCKED!"

Thanks. And, yes. I already know.

See, once upon a time, when I was seven years old, I saved a crayon. Well, some would say I stole it, namely Jasper, but I was a first grader, I didn't know any better. It belonged to the mean looking blonde who sat next to me in coloring.

It was a very nice crayon. He was a not so nice looking boy who liked to peel the paper labels off of his crayons and then chewed on them instead of coloring inside the lines, like me.

I had all my crayons laid out in front of me, sharpened and shining in alphabetical order. Apricot came before Fern (the color of my eyes apparently), and Silver came after Maroon. I had the specialty pack, with all the standard colors.

Blonde boy had a few miscellaneous colored specks of dirt that he insisted were "crayons". And then he had one ACTUAL crayon. A very nice crayon, as I've already said. It was very shiny and bright. It had "Electric Lime" printed proudly on its label. It was such a perfect crayon and I didn't want it to go to waste.

So, I took it upon myself to save the crayon. Or, at least, that's what I _told_ myself I was doing. Saving it, that is.

So I did. And the blonde boy saw me. He got very angry when I told him that I didn't have it.

He called me a _liar!_ At recess, too, of all times! The worst insult one seven year old boy could bestow upon another. I had to defend my honor. And we were on the playground after all.

Three teachers had to pull us apart we were tearing at each other so savagely.

They sent us huffing and puffing to the principal's office, where they came upon us ten minutes later with an "Electric Lime" crayon split in half and loudly proclaiming that they were each other's best friends. They called in our parents, but all we got was a bit of a tongue thrashing for fighting and "stealing" (whatever).

That's how I became friends with Jasper Hale.

That's also the day that Carlisle Cullen, single divorced dad of Edward Cullen, met Esme Hale, widowed mother of Jasper and Rosalie Hale.

I didn't know it then, but my life was on the fast track to becoming pathetic and miserable.

Well… not really the fast track, per se. I mean, it took a while for things to get to that point. Ten years in fact.

Which brings me to today, ten years after that fateful day. Jasper and I are still best friends. And our parents are getting married. So we'll be brothers too. Which would be great and all, you know.

If I wasn't madly in love with Jasper's older sister Rosalie Hale. Who will be my sister if Carlisle gets those step-parent adoption papers signed. I can't even call him Dad anymore. Not after this betrayal. Dad knows I love Rosalie; he knows I've fantasized about her for around a decade now. He _knows._

And he's still marrying her mom.

I thought parents were supposed to put their children first, not their libido.

Jasper thinks it is _so_ funny. He wouldn't be laughing so hard if his mom was marrying _Alice's _dad. No, he'd be the one in misery if that were the case. But Jasper's lucky. Alice has two happily married parents and her dad is really weird anyway. Esme, Jasper's mom, would never marry a former carnival fortune teller.

But she seems to have no problem with _my_ dad.

I mean yeah, he's good looking for his age. And he's nice enough. And he's got a really good job as head surgeon at Fork's Hospital that pays pretty well. And we live in a pseudo-mansion.

And he can cook and speak fluent French, Czech, Italian, and German.

Other than that, he's not really much of a catch.

…..

DO YOU SEE MY DILEMMA?

Carlisle and Esme are so disgustingly gushy with each other. It makes me want to hurl. Jasper agrees with me, unless Alice is sitting in his lap (her preferred seat). Then he nods whenever she says "aw, they're so cute!" She says that a lot.

Rosalie isn't around much, sadly. She usually spends her time with that oaf of a boyfriend of hers, Emmett McCarty. What, you think I can't love her just because she's dating someone else?

It's temporary. She'll grow out of her bizarre fascination with the Meat Head and she'll come running into my open arms. Or, at least, that's how I used to see it happening. Now I've got more than EmMutt to worry about. I've got adoption papers (which can be burnt) and a wedding (which shall be sabotaged) in my way.

I'm nothing if persistent. Jasper thinks I'm crazy. But what does he know?

I love Rosalie Hale. That has always been, sort of, and always will be, I think.

Yeah. I've got it all figured out (except for about 99 percent of it).

**And also:**

Chief Swan Has a Daughter?

Monday. I hate Monday. I despise Monday. Especially when Monday starts out with:

"Carlisle, dear, have you printed out the Save-the-Dates yet? And did you book the reception hall and church yet?"

"Of course I did, darling," he smoothers her with sloppy kisses and she giggles.

"Pancakes?" Alice chirps from Jasper's lap. I swear she was super glued there. And when the fuck did she get in the house? It's only seven thirty in the morning!

"No thanks." I grumble, my bad mood increasing by about ten degrees. I hate pancakes; they lie. I see no cake, and who even uses pans to cook those doughy pieces of shit nowadays anyway? We have one of those chef stove things, where it's a stainless steel surface that heats up and you can just throw food on there and watch it cook.

Like I said, Carlisle can cook. And he can cook like a pro. He'd be a chef if he wasn't a doctor. Stupid, talented, handsome, middle aged fathers- if he was ugly I wouldn't have this problem right now.

Well…

"And did you get a hold of Elizabeth yet? We still need her consent for me to adopt Edward-" Esme whispers that part and glances furtively at me. She must not realize that I have abnormally good hearing.

I also have my mother's newly changed phone number and address. I hired a private eye to track her down when I was fifteen because I was curious and going through one of those angst-ridden, pubescent phases of imagined abandonment. Well, maybe not so much imagined. Elizabeth _did_ abandon Carlisle and I when I was about three years old.

She ran off to California to "find herself" and never came back.

Thank god.

According to the P.I., she was just a little bit off her rocker. She had a boozing problem after she left, and although she got it cleaned up by the time he found her, she was still a bit…eccentric. But I got her number and her new home address, which was in New Mexico.

Carlisle still thought she lived in California. And I burned all the Yellow Pages that listed my detective guy, in case Carlisle got the same idea I did.

The best part about all of this is that Esme and Carlisle decided that Esme would adopt me first, after consulting Elizabeth, and _then_ Carlisle would adopt Rosalie and Jasper. Their dad died in a car accident when they were six, and his mother agreed to the adoption. _Why_ they wanted to go through the hard adoption first was beyond me, but I encouraged it. And another thing?

They couldn't adopt until they got married. And they weren't getting married if they didn't have all the adoption papers on hand by the day of the ceremony.

Cue evil laugh.

"Edward!" Jasper yelled in my ear. I fell off my chair.

"What the fu-" I heard a tsk behind me, "-dge, Jasper?" He grinned at me and held out his hand, which I begrudgingly took. I brushed myself off and glared at him.

"You had that glassy eyed look on your face again. And we have to get to school." He pointed at the clock over the stove. I sighed. School. YAY.

Esme came towards us to kiss us goodbye or something and I stood stock still. Her lips brushed Jasper's cheek then mine. She smiled at us and patted our arms, pushing us towards the door as Carlisle came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist.

Like I said. They. Were. Sickening.

We turned and rushed away from the gooey-ness oozing out of them and Esme's "Have a good day at school, boys! Oh stop it, Carlisle!" chased after us.

Once I was safely behind the wheel of my car and out of the driveway, I could no longer contain my shudder of disgust.

"It's so wrong," I croaked. Jasper, in the backseat, nodded with wide eyes before Alice tweaked his ear in reprimandation. He grimaced in pain.

"Oh, stop it! The both of you! I don't see why you don't think this is awesome. You guys have been best friends for god knows how long," she ignored our chiming of ten years, "and now you're going to be brothers. What's the problem?" She huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. Jasper chuckled.

"Edward _loves_ Rosalie, remember? And she's about to become Rosalie Cullen, but not in the way that he'd like her to." Alice rolled her eyes. I went ten over the speed limit in annoyance.

"You might want to slow down, Eddie. Chief Swan's on the prowl." I grinned mockingly but slowed down all the same. Chief Swan was a scary guy. He had a mustache. Only mafia lords and serial killers had mustaches.

"Did you know he has a daughter?" I nearly swerved into oncoming traffic at that one. Alice bounced around in her seat while Jasper and I shared an incredulous look.

"He has a daughter?"

"He _had _a wife?"

"Oh, knock it off. I bet he makes a great dad and husband." I wasn't inclined to agree. The mustache thing again.

"How old is his daughter?" I asked, just being curious. Alice smiled slyly.

"Seventeen. Our age. She's going to be at school today. Moved from Arizona last week and today's her first day." She glanced at me with a kind of… _scheming_ glint in her eyes.

"I heard that she's really _pretty._ Gorgeous, in fact. Mike Newton saw her in his dad's store the other day and has been panting about "the hot piece of ass" to anyone who will listen to him." I grimace. Newton? That poor, poor girl.

"It's Newton. He thinks anything without a Y chromosome is hot." Too right, he does. He went out with _Jessica Stanley_. It doesn't get much nastier than that. And I know all about her nastiness, seeing as she stalks me on a day to day basis.

"Remember Stanley?" Jasper snickers, knowing full well I could never forget her. Sadly.

"Of course he does. She and every other single girl in Forks are slightly obsessed with him." Alice was right. Carlisle managed to pass on some of his good looks to me. And Elizabeth gave me the Fern eyes and brown-red hair. I don't know what fucking color it is; it was never in my standard crayon collection.

I really didn't think I was all that amazingly hot to cause so much adoration from the more insane population of Fork's females. I just saw an ordinary guy in the mirror.

Apparently, they saw something a lot different. Something that caused one or three of them to scale the side of my house and try to break in to my room to sexually assault me last year.

I shuddered. I've checked to make sure every window and door in the house is locked before bed every night since.

"Aw, poor Edward. Too schmexy for his own good." Jasper cackled at me and I gave him the finger.

"You don't think you'll be interested in the Swan girl, _do you_?" Alice again. She smiled evilly at me from the rearview mirror. I didn't answer. Didn't have to.

I love Rosalie. No Swan girl would change that. I think.

We pulled into the parking lot next to this mammoth, prehistoric, brick red truck that made me nervous to even look at. It looked fit to explode, or go on a murdering rampage. That red color looked disturbingly like blood.

"Um. Have you seen that…truck before?" Jasper said "truck" like he couldn't believe the metallic lump next to us belonged in that category. I didn't really either.

"No. Probably the new girl's." Alice said with a shrug. Then she pinned Jasper to the side of my car and started making out with him. I swallowed my gag reflex and turned to go inside. The sky, as usual, was a gray and cloudy blanket of gloom. Fucking Forks. How is anybody supposed to be happy in a town that is heliophobic?

I was glaring up at the sky and about ten feet from the door when I bumped into something really soft. My arms went out instinctively as the bumped thing started falling down. I caught a whiff of some kind of lemony scent. Then my arms were wrapped around the waist of a girl. Who was suddenly looking up at me.

With big, brown eyes and a really kissable looking mouth.

"Sorry," she breathed, her breath fanning my face she was so close. It smelled like oranges. I couldn't tear my eyes from those lips. The bottom one was fuller than the top. And it looked kind of juicy. I wanted to bite it.

Realizing that I was staring at her like some kind of creep, I kind of flinched away and set her on her feet to hide my embarrassment. I took a step back, mumbled "It's okay," and shuffled away before I could make an even bigger fool of my self. But I didn't shuffle fast enough to miss the blooming red of blood underneath her cheeks.

A blush like a rose. A ripe, dew strung rose. Big, Bambi eyes looked at me from underneath waves of chocolate hair as I forced myself to walk away.

I could still feel the warmth of her small palms gripping tightly to my shoulders.

I'd never seen her before. That must have been the Swan girl.

…

What the fuck _just happened_?

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><p>Review and I'll love you! Even though I don't know you!<p> 


	2. Hey, Toto

Oh my goodness. Chapter two!

Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight.

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><p><strong>"Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."<strong>

**The Wizard of Oz**

**We, the lucky tellers of a poor boy's story, present to you:**

An Evil Fairy I Call Alice

I drifted through the morning in something of a befuddled daze. Nothing seemed to snap me out of it. I saw brown hair and eyes whenever I turned a corner and the scent of oranges and lemons followed me with the precision and single-minded dedication of a professional predator.

They must have learned something from Stanley. Who, at the moment, was prowling behind me down the hall towards the cafeteria.

"Oh Edward!" She trilled and giggled. I started walking faster, my hands clasped in prayer. Please, please, please let me get to the table before she assaults me. I was five feet from the door…four…three…two-

"Gotcha!" a clawed hand gripped my right bicep and creepily caressed the muscle. I tried to shake her off subtly, and then not so subtly, but all she did was grunt through her lipsticked smile and held on even tighter.

"Want to sit with me at lunch?" She asked, her falsetto voice reaching an even higher pitch. She dragged me through the door and towards her table before I could even get out the words, "no fucking way you psycho."

We were almost at the table when I dug my heels in and she went jerking back. She pouted at me. I grit my teeth against the rising bile.

"I'm sitting with Alice and Jasper. Let go." I looked pointedly at her hand, which was still gripping my arm. She let go reluctantly and then sneered at me.

That's Jessica, zero to sixty in the space of a second. I can't even count the amount of times I've strongly urged her to see a psychiatrist. Or the amount of times I've imagined bringing a strait jacket to school and sending her off with a couple of paramedics to the nearest asylum.

"You're such a prude." Like not wanting to sit at a table with her constitutes me not wanting to have sex with her. Which I don't.

"Jessica. I don't want to sit with you. That doesn't make me a prude." Asking me to sit with you is not the same as you propositioning me, which you have done before.

I will never wander into an empty locker room ever again.

I walked away from her backwards, afraid that she'd grab my ass if I turned my back on her. Once at a safe distance, I turned and nearly ran to the table. No, I was not running away from a teenage girl. I was running away from sociopathic harpy.

"Jessica again?" Jasper didn't even look up from his food. Alice hummed.

And, again, she was sitting on his lap.

"She wanted me to sit with her. AS IF. And when I said no, she called me a prude. Because, apparently, turning down her offer to sit at her table is the same as turning down a blowjob." I really didn't get how her mind worked, if she even had one.

"She probably _does_ see it that way. The last guy she asked to sit with her was Newton and she ended up giving him a severe petting under the table. I saw it." Alice said off-handedly. Now _that_ made Jasper look up from his beloved, revolting pizza. Alice just looked innocently down at her own plate, which held a salad with wilting leaves. I'm pretty sure my eyes were bulging out my head in disgust at the mental image. Of Newton and Stanley, not the salad. Although it was looking a bit morose.

"You _watched_?" He squeaked out.

"Well, I didn't have much of a choice. I was on the dance committee, remember? And I was trying to get her to tell me when her dad was going to call that supposed DJ friend of his. I didn't really know what she was doing at first, but then Newton started grunting and I bolted." She shivered, probably still traumatized by the mere memory.

Of course, only Alice would make the dance committee as a sophomore. Her eye for style and decoration was legendary in Forks. And yes, I can admit that I have noticed it and still call myself a man.

It's kind of hard _not_ to notice when she shows up at school in outfits like the one she had on today. Some kind of leather jacket/ ripped leggings, biker boot heels, striped Parisian mime shirt combo with a beret.

I've been to Paris. I know what a beret is.

She saw me looking at the beret.

"It's a Paris theme today," she said, rolling her eyes and plopping her chin down on a raised hand. Jasper wrapped his arm around her waist and slid her towards him across the bench before snuggling his face into her neck. She giggled.

I gagged.

"So I met the new girl today. Her name's Isabella, but she goes by Bella. Bella Swan." Alice's voice was deceivingly nonchalant. I knew she was fishing for a reaction.

And pathetically, I gave her one.

"Does she?" I tried _really_ hard to contain my interest. But the part of me that was STILL mooning over the scent of lemons and oranges was curious.

"Yeah," she said, smiling broadly. Jasper started nipping her neck.

"Bella means beautiful in Italian, in case you didn't know."

She knows I know. I can speak Italian. Carlisle taught me.

I grumbled moodily and Alice couldn't stop smiling. Even when Jasper tried to kiss her.

"Stop grinning. I'm trying to get my tongue in there." She giggled. I definitely felt my lunch coming back up.

"And that is my cue to leave," I announced to the otherwise occupied table of mine. I dumped my half eaten sandwich in the trash and stuck to the wall on my way out so Jessica wouldn't spot me trying to sneak away.

I made it to the door before the bell rang and was halfway to my next class when the doors started opening all along the hall. I merged with the crowd. It would be harder for Stanley to corner me if I was surrounded by people.

I couldn't help but think about what Alice had said. Bella, the beautiful swan. What a name to live up to. It would have sucked for her is she had turned out to be an ugly girl. But she wasn't. She was really rather pretty.

Wait, did _I _just think that? But I loved _Rosalie_! I've never even thought any girl _other_ than Rosalie was pretty! All through grade school and puberty and to junior year I've thought only of Rosalie. No other girl could come close to her beauty.

But, apparently, Bella had. Come close, that is.

What was wrong with with? Alice and her suggestive glances. Stupid pixie. It's all her fault. I loved Rosalie. Bella Swan _did not _matter. She was the _absolute last_ thing on my mind. I had bigger things to worry about. Like how to not become related to the love of my life.

Because Rosalie Hale was the love of my life.

Wasn't she?

**And:**

The Embarrassing Case of Mistaken Identity

I made it to Biology and sat down at my empty lab table. Luckily, Banner hadn't partnered me up with anyone. Not that nobody _tried _to be my partner.

To name a few, Lauren (the second Jessica), Victoria (the future hooker), Tanya (the super senior), and Eric Yorkie (the only gay guy I knew). They, along with Jessica, were the bane of my existence. Victoria, Tanya, and Lauren were those three girls I mentioned before. The ones who tried to sexually assault me in the middle of the night. I had said hi to them at a bonfire last year and then gone home.

All three of them seemed to think that was an invitation to come over and "play".

Thankfully, my window had been closed and I was only half asleep when I heard their manic shushes outside my room. I caught one glance of their excited faces pressed against the glass on my second floor window, swallowed a scream, and told them loudly through the pane that I'd call the cops if they didn't get off of my property.

Then I grabbed a pillow and blanket and locked myself in the windowless bathroom down the hall.

Cruel fate landed all three of the maniacs in my sixth period class, and they all three enjoyed milling around my table before the bell rang. I had a ruler in my backpack in case I needed to beat them off. Thankfully, they were late for class. Sadly, Erick Yorkie wasn't.

As bad as those three were, Eric Yorkie was even worse.

He was strutting towards me (yes, strutting) when I thought this. He sat down on the stool next to me and scooted it uncomfortably close. I scooted away. He scooted close again. I hung off the very edge of my seat and prayed.

"Hey Edward," he purred reaching out to stroke my arm. I yelped and pulled it back.

"Hi Eric." I glanced furtively at the clock. One minute to the bell.

He leaned closer and sniffed me. What. The. Fuck.

"_Did you know_-"

OH GOD NO.

You see, Eric was the last new kid we had. Back in seventh grade. I tried to be nice to him, even though he was hot for me and really, really creepy. I nearly succeeded too. In tolerating his presence, I mean.

But then it was all shot to hell with the "did you know" game.

He would walk up to me and spout random facts in my ear that NOBODY CARED ABOUT. Least of all me. And he'd always start it off with a squeaky "Did you know". Even now. Four fucking years later.

I could have been a jerk to him (and trust me, I was sorely tempted), but I prided myself on being a generally nice guy. And I felt sorry for Eric. He didn't have a whole lot of friends. _And _he was the only notable gay guy in Forks. It must have been a lonely existence for him.

So I planted my arms on the table and burrowed my head underneath, trying to cover my ears as the torture started.

"-that intelligent people have more copper and zinc in their hair?" He giggled. Then he started patting my hair. I flinched away violently.

"That's probably why you're_ so_ smart and why your hair is so _bronzey_," he sighed breathily. I barely contained my shudders. The lust was just oozing off of him. How many times must one feel the urge to vomit in one day?

"_Did you know_ that it's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open?"

There couldn't be too much time left, could there? Only, like, thirty seconds. Please let it be thirty.

"_Did you know_ that Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise?"

Twenty. Maybe.

"_Did you know_-" Ah fuck it. I had limits, dammit.

"Fuck. Off. Eric. Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off-"

"Whoa there." A soft, sensual, not-Eric voice said. My head shot up off the desk.

And I was looking, once again, into a pair of large, brown eyes.

"Shit." I exclaimed. Then again. "Fuck."

She giggled.

I thought I died.

_ROSALIE!_

"Um, I am so sorry. I thought you were someone else. No, I didn't think you were… I- I um… he was sitting there and annoying me like a second ago and I was talking to _him_ not-" she held up her hand to stop my blabbering. I could feel my face growing hot.

Was I _blushing?_ I don't think I've ever blushed. Ever.

"It's okay. I noticed when Banner sent me over here. He was the skinny Asian kid staring at you like you were a piece of meat and speaking in a really annoying falsetto voice, right?" She grinned suddenly. I nodded.

"You looked like you were trying to disappear. Weren't you the kid I bumped into earlier?" I nodded again, sheepishly. She smiled wider, and then bit her lip.

I wanted to bite it too.

_R.O.S.A.L.I.E._

"Yeah, sorry about that. I'm kind of clumsy, although I'm glad I bumped into you instead of someone with slower reflexes."

_I'm really glad I bumped into you too, you soft, sweet smelling, tasty looking bottom lipped-_

_Are we forgetting something here? Like the fact that YOU. LOVE. ROSALIE? _

_"_You managed to keep me from landing on my ass. So thanks. Anyway, I'm Bella. Bella-"

"Swan," I interrupted like an idiot. Great. Hi, I'm Edward Cullen. Stalker extraordinaire.

She gave me a weird look. Probably wondering how I already knew her name.

"You're new. And you're Chief Swan's kid. Trust me; I've already heard a lot about you. If you haven't noticed, Forks is kind of a small town." I smiled at her, hoping my explanation would work. She took it.

_Thank you, thank you, thank you-_

"And your name is…"

_You dork. Tell her your name!_

"Edward Cullen." Then I stuck out my hand like some kind of middle aged man making a business transaction. She shook it gently, a small smile on her face. Then she laughed and let go.

I was still a little bit preoccupied with the warmth spreading from where she just touched me to some unmentionable parts of my anatomy.

"I don't think I've ever shaken another teenager's hand during introductions," she teased me, a light sparkling in her pretty brown eyes. I gulped and blushed. AGAIN.

"Yeah. I don't know why I did that." I shook my head at myself, trying to flop my unruly hair in front of my face so I could hide. But it was too short. Fuck it all.

She snorted, then smacked her hand to her nose. Then _she_ was the one blushing. I should have smirked or something, but all I could manage was a starry eyed gaze at her cheeks. The blushing thing was adorable.

"I hate my blush, it's so embarassing." She grumbled behind her hands, blushing even more violently under my avid gaze.

"Don't worry. It's cute." I grinned one last time at her flaming cheeks and surprised eyes then turned towards the front.

I guess I missed the bell ringing because Banner had already started talking. I wasn't paying attention. Bella smelled like lemons, and not that antiseptic lemon smell. She smelled all natural- like lemons in an orchard, and freshly squeezed lemonade. It was nice. Really, really nice.

I happen to love lemons, if you hadn't already noticed.

She was wearing this really tight, dark blue turtleneck that hugged her curves (and boy did she have curves, I could see that even out of the corner of my eye) and dark skinny jeans that let me notice _just_ how curvy some parts of her, namely her backside, were. And her hair was braided over her shoulder. She must have done that after I bumped into her, because this morning it was swinging all around, making me think about burying my nose in it. I still wanted to bury my nose in it. Or stroke it, to see if it really was as soft as it looked.

Little wisps of hair floated around her head and the braid snuggled up to the side of her pale skin, which seemed really creamy. Or maybe that was just the sweater.

She started biting her lip again. I had to look away to control myself.

And I looked down. Right at a pair of pink Combat Boots.

Worn, seude, pink Combat Boots. Just like the ones I was wearing, but pink.

_Rosalie, Rosalie, Rosalie, Rosalie, Rosalie-_

Why the _hell _did she have to own _Combat Boots_?

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><p>Yes, pink combat boots. Go to Polyvore. They exist.<p>

In case you didn't notice, Edward really likes Combat Boots. And lemons.

Review!


	3. The Force

Disclaimer: Just splashing in SM's puddle over here

And another installment of the DISILLUSIONAL Edward. Don't worry. You'll get it.

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><p>"<strong>Hey, Luke…May the Force be with you."<strong>

**Star Wars: A New Hope**

**Today, minions, a musical (just kidding) production of:**

That Time of the Month Again

I drifted through seventh period, barely paying attention as I was otherwise occupied by some kind of tugging sensation in my stomach. It felt like there was a rope or something wrapped around my middle, trying to pull me out the door and in who knows what direction.

Well, the rope knew what direction, apparently. A direction that led towards a pair of wide brown eyes and sexy Combat Boots.

I had to get her out of my head. It was unhealthy to be this… _affected_ by someone that I had just met and consequently didn't care about. Because I didn't. Not at all.

Not even though she owned shoes that made me want to imagine her wearing nothing on _but_ those shoes.

I mean, I didn't even know her. How could I care about her? Sure I was curious, she was new. This was Forks, for crying out loud. The newest things around here were the hippy tourists from California who wanted to become "one with nature" in the most boring place on Earth.

Yeah, that's what was causing my fascination with her. Her being new.

_Not _that I was fascinated or anything, just-

"Hey Edward." The croaky I've-had-about-five-packs-of-cigarettes-already voice of Victoria murmured. She had curled right up to my side as I emptied my locker and I hadn't even noticed. She forced her way under my right arm, which was reaching for my books, and stood uncomfortably close to me. I tried to back away, but she wrapped her boa constrictor arms around my waist.

I threw furtive glances at the people to my left and right, but nobody seemed to think that having a girl wrap herself around me like some kind of twisted koala bear was a bad thing.

It was a bad thing. A very bad thing. But nobody else seemed to see it that way.

"You going to my party tomorrow?" She questioned, sniffing my throat in a somewhat predatory, "I'M GOING TO EAT YOU ALIVE" way. I gulped and leaned my torso away, but that brought my bottom half closer. She smirked and rolled her hips suggestively. I grimaced and tugged myself out of her vice like grip.

"Maybe, if you stop bothering me." I muttered. Victoria huffed then eyed me shrewdly as she leaned casually against my still open locker.

"You don't know what you're missing." She didn't say it like Jessica had countless times before, in a bitter kind of tone. She said it more matter-of-factly, which in and of itself, bothered the hell out of me. She really thought that no red blooded male could say no to her and that no high school guy had the decency to decline free sex.

Well guess what Icky Vicky? I'VE DECLINED.

All these girls seemed to think that I couldn't figure out for myself who I did and didn't want to sleep with. I wanted Rosalie. I didn't want Jessica or Victoria.

Now, don't go forming ill conceived ideas about my manliness, alright? I wasn't a prude or a virgin and they weren't unattractive. It's just… seriously, they both had sex with _Newton_.

I could never even _consider_ sleeping with someone who had already been with Newton.

Which, preposterously, was most of the girls in our year. Apparently, according to the conversations I heard while in the locker room before P.E., it's all my fault. Whenever I rejected a girl's advances (due to my loyalty to Rosalie) they went to cry on his shoulder. They then seduced him to mend their fragile egos. And I've rejected a _lot_ of girls.

Yes, I'm the reason Newton gets pussy. The indignity, I tell you…

Thank god I'd never reject Bella. I wouldn't want that fucker to get his hands on her.

_Wait a second. What was _that_?_

I was absolutely thunderstruck. Did I just admit to myself that I would never reject Bella? Did I smoke pot this morning or something? Because today just was _not making sense._

Victoria, mistaking my glazed expression for lust (I've no idea how), giggled and sidled up to me again, her arms making their way around my neck. I shook myself out of it just in time to find her puckering up and leaning in dangerously fast. I stuck my open palm in front of my face and she collided with it in a wet smack.

Then I broke away from her grip, slammed my locker shut, and ran as fast as possible towards the parking lot before she could start screeching indignantly.

A wise man once said, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

Personally, I wasn't ready to find out whether or not that statement was true. Hence my flying out of school like a bat from hell. I've been holding Victoria off for years. And honestly, there was only so much rejection she could take before she flew off the handle. And I wasn't being an egomaniac; trust me, I knew what it felt like to be shunted to the side countless times. Rosalie had been resisting my supposedly irresistible charms since second grade. And then, to add insult to injury, she started going out with Emmett when I was in my freshman year. _Right _after I finally hit my growth spurt and started bulking up. _Right _after I became my most attractive thus far. And she'd been with the Behemoth ever since. That was dead depressing.

Once safely in my car with my morose thoughts, I locked all the doors and looked suspiciously from side to side to make sure Victoria wasn't coming up to my car and that I didn't accidentally run her over. That would be bad.

And maybe just a little bit good.

_God, I'm such a jerk. _

_Yeah, well she's a bitch._

I pulled my car out of the parking lot and sped slightly to make sure I didn't get caught in the never ending traffic line of students honking their horns. I stayed just a teensy tiny bit over the speed limit on my way home.

I was going thirty five in a twenty zone while I passed up Chief Swan's house. I must have been crazy.

_Uh huh, you're not speeding in the hopes that the Chief will pull you over and have his luscious looking daughter in the car with him… nope, _definitely _not._

"Rosalie, Rosalie, Rosalie…" I muttered to myself all the way home, drowning out my inner voices and staying right at the speed limit for the rest of the trip. I guess my chant worked its advantages in some weird, magical way because when I pulled into the driveway I was forced to park behind a large, tacky looking cherry red Jeep.

EmMutt's Jeep, and wherever the stray went, his master was sure to follow (i.e. Rosalie).

Sure enough, I opened the door to the sound of my beloved's ringing, velveteen voice… screaming so hard I was sure the window panes were vibrating.

"I can't BELIEVEhow STUPID, IDIOTIC, and DISILLUSIONAL-

"-I think you mean _delusional _dear-"

"- yeah, DELUSIONAL you are. I am a Hale! Not a Cullen! And I will never _be _a Cullen! I don't care if Carlisle wants to…to-"

"Adopt."

"That's what I said. I don't care if he wants to adoct me. I will not be adocted!"

"Adopted, dear. Adopted."

Emmett was standing in the hall doubled over with his fists stuck in his mouth as he laughed at my poor, beautiful, admittedly not very smart Rosalie. I would tell him off if he didn't have enough muscle to bench me with only his pinky finger. So, instead, I stood quietly and listened with a blank expression and burgeoning hope.

"He has one kid already, why does he need two more? Me and Jasper don't want to be his kids; hell, I'm old enough to have my _own_ kids-"

At this, Emmett stopped laughing and straightened up with a queasy look on his suddenly stark white face. If there was ever a time to insult him it would have been then- he looked like a fair breeze could have knocked him over.

"Please tell me you aren't pregnant." Emmett strained his ears as Esme tried to reason with Rosalie.

"I'm not pregnant. But that isn't the point-" Emmett let out a relieved breath and patted his chest over where his heart was probably still racing. He saw me out of the corner of his eye and grinned. I smiled back feebly. He put a finger to his lips in a shushing manner and motioned towards the door. As if I couldn't have figured out to be quiet on my own. Any additional clattering from the hallway might have sent the raging blonde in my direction.

I loved her. But not enough to enjoy being yelled at by her.

"-the point is that me and Jasper don't want Carlisle to be our father!"

"Jasper doesn't have a problem with it."

"Fine then, _I _have a problem with it. And if you keep trying to force this on me, then I'm moving out and into Em's apartment."

"You basically already live with him anyway-"

"FINE! LET'S MAKE IT OFFICIAL, THEN! SEEING AS YOU DON'T SEEM TO CARE-"

"Of course I care!"

"Save it for your precious _Carlisle._" I probably should've taken offense against the scathing tone (she was talking about my father, after all) but it was Rosalie. I couldn't take offense with anything she said or did. Mainly because, oh I don't know, I LOVED HER?

_Keep telling yourself that, bud._

_What's with all these voices in my head?_

_Oh, just your conscience speaking. I tell you the truth when you're too afraid to face it. And the truth is in the Bella Thing._

_The Bella Thing?_

_Yep, or the Bella THANG, bud. She's got quite the thang._

_Oh shut up. And stop calling me bud._

Rosalie came storming into the hall (setting my heart into a deep thumping rhythm in response to her dazzling beauty) with a weary Esme on her heels._ That_ shut up my defective brain. It also made Emmett's intimidation factor shrink just a smidgen. It's hard to be afraid of a guy who cowered in front of his admittedly shorter, smaller, less heavy girlfriend.

Then again, I was cowering too. Especially since she was stomping. In high heels, too; the damage those contraptions could cause…

Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. STOMP.

Emmett and I cringed.

"Emmett! Go upstairs and get my stuff! I'm moving into your apartment!" He got a really tremulous look on his face and her eyes narrowed threateningly.

"You _do _know that most of your stuff is already at my apartment, right?" He said it in a timid sort of voice, his hands unconsciously rising in a surrendering gesture. His eyes darted to mine pleadingly as her upper lip curled.

Sorry, you're on your own.

"_Most_ does not mean _all_, does it? DOES IT?" He shook his head frantically and assured her that he would clear her room then handed over his keys to the Jeep. She stomped past me out of the house without even a glance in my direction, screaming down Esme's half assed pleas. Well, she was in emotional turmoil. I couldn't expect her to be attentive while in such a state. Plus, dealing with more than two people at a time could make her dizzy. My poor, dull little darling. I sighed pityingly and looked up.

Emmett and I were left alone in the room.

Awkward.

"Might as well go up and get her nail polish or something." He said resignedly.

I gave him a questioning glance. He didn't seem to regard this whole moving in thing as a big deal. Most guys would be sweating their balls off at this point.

"Doesn't this seem like a big… I don't know, step or something in your relationship?" I sounded like such a girl, "I mean, you don't seem to be reacting at all like most guys would…" He shrugged.

"What can I say? She basically already lives with me. And honestly, it just means more sex." I flinched in horror.

"Let's just say it's that time of the month again, bud. _If _you know what I mean. I'm not likely to tempt fate with Mother Nature in the building."

Definitely more than I needed to know. And as I watched the behemoth run up the stairs dutifully as his master had ordered him, I couldn't help but be elated…

Rosalie didn't want to be my sister anymore than I wanted to be her brother. Maybe she did love me after all!

_Poor disillusional Edward. Or do we mean DELUSIONAL?_

_Shut. Up._

**And:**

I Just Wanted a Pair of Jeans

"Edward!" Carlisle's voice echoed faintly from two floors down as I sat in my room, plotting how to evade the horrors of possible incest.

"Yeah?" I yelled back down before opening the door and proceeding down the stairs towards the living room, where, sure enough, I found him cuddling on the couch with Esme. So disturbing.

"I need a new pair of jeans. Esme and I are going on a trip into the wonderful wilderness this weekend to…er… recreate." He grinned slyly at her and she giggled. I felt a tad bit revolted at the amount of blatant innuendo in his voice.

"Um, sure," I gulped down the rising bile, "you want me to go to Newton's?" He nodded distractedly, too focused on giving Esme Eskimo kisses. I turned hastily and ran out the door towards my car, which was a P.D.A. free zone. I jumped into the Volvo and turned on the ignition, barely getting my seatbelt on before I was skidding out of the driveway and off to Newton's.

The six minute drive gave me a lot to think about, considering the roads were nearly clear and my car was eerily silent. I'd forgotten to take my IPod in the car with me and I hated listening to the radio. The lack of things to distract me left my mind free to wander down idle paths of Rosalie declaring her undying love for me and Carlisle and Esme's wedding turning into mine and Rosalie's. I watched in my mind's eye as my bride progressed up the aisle towards me, veiled. She uncovered herself and I smiled as the plump bottom lip, rosy cheeks, wide brown eyes, and chocolate hair were revealed…

"Whoa!" I yelled hoarsely as I narrowly dodged swerving into a tree. What the hell was that? Did I just daydream about marrying _Bella Swan?_

I turned on the radio in an attempt to block out my deficient imagination. I mean, Bella Swan? Really? I started humming along loudly with the popular song that had just started playing (and which I hated). Newton's couldn't have been too much farther…

With a sigh of relief, I found the square, plain, white washed building and parked the car hurriedly. Sitting in that car was dangerous. I had to get out.

And, maybe, if I hadn't been so preoccupied with shutting out my newer demons and getting into the store, I might have noticed the large, murderous looking old truck I had parked nearby.

I walked through the automatic doors, attempting to keep my mind blank, and was almost succeeding too, when I heard a soft, surprisingly familiar voice.

"Oh well, I don't know. I mean, I just moved here and I don't really know anyone that well.." Bella. That was Bella's voice. I would bet my life on it. And was it really weird that I already had her voice committed to memory?

I was ready to duck out of sight before she saw me and worked her voodoo Combat Boot magic when I heard a second, slimier voice.

"C'mon, the party is a great place to meet people. And you know me… I can take you, you know, as friends… or maybe a date?" Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me. Was that Mike Newton? Asking out Bella Swan?

And sure enough, I spotted the weasel as I turned into the second aisle, standing way too close to an uncomfortable looking Bella. He was leaning against his forearm, which was on the shelf right around the area of her head. And Bella, I couldn't help but notice, was wearing The Boots. Guhh…

_Wipe off that drool, moron._

"C'mon…" he said again, reaching out and tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear. Bella's mouth twisted down into a scowl.

Something like a savage dragon seemed to rear up inside me and roar at Newton's offending hand. Rip, tear him to little pieces. That motherfucker, how _dare_ he touch her…

"Hey Bella!" I said loudly and in an overenthusiastic voice. Newton whipped around and stumbled a bit out of his douche pose. Bella smiled at me, her plump lip stretching invitingly as Newton's piggy eyes narrowed.

"Hey Edward, what a coincidence!" Bella's eyes held what I might have imagined to be excitement. I walked casually over to them, smirking at Newton as Bella stepped away from him and towards me.

"Eh, not really. This is Forks, remember? It's not extremely difficult to run into people." She grinned at me, her eyes crinkling attractively at the corners. That lemony smell hit me in full force as my body inched unconsciously closer- what could I say? She and her Boots and her lemony smell were like some kind of Edward magnet. And some kind of Newton magnet too, as he displayed when he inserted himself not so subtly between us and started talking obnoxiously loud.

"So, Edward. Bella was just saying how she was coming to Victoria's party with me tomorrow-"

"I said no such thing." Her voice was a low hiss and her soft features had kind of… hardened. Those beautiful brown eyes of hers were suddenly spitting flames.

_Somebody_ didn't like liars.

I grinned as Mike tried to backtrack and basically dug himself into a hole.

"Oh, because I was-er- under the impression that you-you," his voice faded feebly and he started to back away at the pure anger in her face.

She looked much scarier than Rosalie ever did.

I kind of liked it.

"I think," she said softly, her voice carrying more menace than shouting ever could, "that you have other customers to attend to. _Over there_," she jerked her thumb towards the cash register. Which was settled conveniently at the other side of the store. Mike slunk away with his tail between his legs, throwing jealous looks at me over his shoulder the entire way. I was barely able to contain my smugness.

Bella sighed.

"He is _so_ annoying," she groaned, massaging her temples.

_Why don't you let me do that, beautiful? Maybe I can massage other things too while I'm at it…make you groan like that again…_

_Should we just call Rosalie quits at this point? The situation's becoming a bit dire, so to speak, if you're getting all hot and bothered when she so much as rubs her temples._

"Trust me, I know." I gave her a sympathetic look and she smiled thankfully.

"So what are you looking for? I could help you find it seeing as you probably don't know your way around." She laughed loudly and looked slyly up at me through her shining eyes.

"You know, that's almost exactly what Mike said when he swaggered in my direction a few minutes ago like some puffed up popinjay." The mental image of Newton puffing up his chest and preening his metaphorical feathers as he approached Bella in what he probably imagined was a suave way had me chuckling heartily.

"Oh, I bet he did. And then I bet he didn't offer to show you around the store." She nodded, adopting a wide eyed look as she tried to explain in an amazed sort of way that he had started off their conversation with the offer to show her around "Mikey's Town". I nearly died of laughter.

"Mikey's Town?" I gasped, holding onto the shelf for support as she went into a fit of giggles.

"Yeah. He's unbelievable." She looked at something over my head and frowned suddenly. I missed her giggling. It was cute.

"I have to hurry up; Charlie's expecting me home in about twenty minutes." I gallantly offered to help her find whatever she needed, but she shook me off and told me to get my own stuff and that she'd see me at the register. I watched with a slightly open mouth as she trotted away from me, my attention darting between her swaying hips and the Boots. I rushed off to get Carlisle's jeans and was in such a hurry I almost got the women's skinny ones.

_Look at the lovesick little puppy, hurrying along to the cash register so he can pant over the pretty new birdy in town…_

I grit my teeth and ignored the voices in my head (what next? I'll see dead people?). Once in line behind Bella, I started to mess with Newton by chatting her up. She caught on and decided to lay it on thick; I detected an almost evil gleam in her eye as she smiled blindingly up at me before placing her hand on my chest, leaning in, and giggling breathlessly.

"Oh, Edward. You're _too _funny." She winked at me when Newton turned away with a huff. I would've found it all amusing if she hadn't been so damn close and… messing with my mind. Her hand sent shockwaves and goose bumps across my body as a kind of warmth spread through the nerve endings privileged enough to sit beneath her fingers.

_She smells soooo good. Let's eat her._

Thankfully, she stepped back, giving me enough time to snap out of my daze before handing my merchandise to a grumpy looking Newton.

Once everything was rung up, Bella and I turned to go fastish. We weren't fast enough. Newton, seeing that he had no more customers and apparently ready for a new assault upon Bella, ran forward, snatched the bags out of her hands, and point blank refused to give them back despite the glares she was throwing his way.

"I'll just carry them to your car," he said innocently. I bit down on my tongue to stop myself from growling at him. We walked in stony silence out to the lot and Newton put her stuff into her truck as I got hesitantly behind the wheel of my car.

I _really_ didn't want to leave her in a dark parking lot with Newton.

Bella waved him off, rolled up all her windows, and locked the car doors before turning on her engine. I smiled evilly at Newton before shutting my own doors and putting in the key. Then I heard a horrendous squealing sound.

Bella's truck.

She looked down at her dashboard, apparently horrified by the painful noise it had just made. Then she sent me a pleading glance before edging her eyes nervously towards Newton, whose expression had become slightly hopeful and a little bit greedy.

"Hey Bella," he crooned, "I can give you a ride home." What. A. Creep.

I just barely suppressed the urge to run him over with my car.

I shook my head and jumped out of my car, rushing over to her truck and shoving the Newt out of the way. He was NOT going to lay a hand on her. Not on my watch.

She gave me a grateful look and opened her door. She attempted to slide out gracefully but ended up tripping into my waiting arms. I saw it in slow motion almost, the way her eyes kind of widened, and her mouth formed a surprised o. The way her long hair seemed to swing around us and the way her waist felt all wrapped up in my arms…

I looked down at her; she looked up at me.

"Why does it seem we keep ending up like this?" I said teasingly looking down at our position, which so mirrored the one we'd been in when I first ran into her. She blushed. My body caught fire.

She smiled shakily.

"Would you be able to drive me home?

I should have said no. I should have let Newton taken her. But she just smelled so good, and looked so good, and felt so good in my arms, like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold winter's day. And her eyes were all wide and irresistible.

And Newton was her only other option, although _that _was never going to happen.

So, yeah, I should have said no. But then I looked down and caught yet another glance of those sinfully sexy looking shoes of hers.

"Sure, why not?"

What would _you _have done, huh?

* * *

><p>Our first encounter with the She Bitch! We'll be going a bit more in depth with their relationship later on, but as you can probably tell, she barely knows he exists. And he's a little... misguided. Am I right?<p>

Of course I'm right, I wrote it!

Each review is like a smile from Robert Pattinson! And it motivates a regular updating schedule!( No, I am not beneath using blackmail to my advantage.)


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